The hardest part about breaking up with someone you love is letting go of the ‘what if’ moment. Who hasn’t asked themselves ‘what if’ things were different or if both people in the relationship tried to change and make things work out for the best?
Letting go of hope is hardest when two people have been in a relationship that turned toxic and also involves children. For people who love a person with a narcissistic personality disorder or NPD, that question is likely never to be answered and is the most dangerous venture to take on, especially when all ties have been severed.
Hoovering is a psychological trick used by a narcissist to try to reel a person back in, not for the sake of love, but to suck the emotional reserves dry. In order to survive a narcissist needs to their ego to be worshipped, admired, and adored.
So, who better to try and get those needs met than from someone who feels a need to fix a broken relationship? A person who carries a strong sense of responsibility for the failure of a relationship will attract the interest of a narcissist because they can successfully use guilt and shame to gain more power and control.
Can a narcissist ever love you, and is this attention a form of love? The only way a person with NPD can love you is if it leads back to themselves, and nothing is ever enough.
How should you handle a narcissist who is trying to win you back? Remember that their desire for your attention isn’t because of love. It’s an attempt to feed their ego by inflicting pain. Initially, they will promise that things have changed, they have had come to see the light, but there will have been no work completed, nothing is done differently, and the apologies are hollow and incomplete. It will not help to point the problem out either because NPDs will protect their ego at all cost, including attacking your character in private and in public.
Everything you say and do becomes ammunition for the narcissist. For this reason, it’s better to ignore the narcissist once you have broken free and avoid all contact. Even the smallest interaction can eventually lead to an angry and potentially violent outburst and lots of pain in the end.